Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sex Talk for Grown-Ups

How often do you have to have sex in order to be happy in a relationship?

This is a question that leads to an answer that neither my husband, nor I have ever, and may not ever be able to agree upon.

So how important is it that a husband and wife (or partners) be sexually compatible with each other when it comes to the frequency that they have sex?

I don't know. But, I wish I did.

It seems that since the beginning of our marriage - our relationship even, we have never been able to reach a consensus.

I say 5 times a week, and I'm more than happy.

He says once every morning, and once every night - so, 14 times a week, and then he would be happy. But I don't know about that.

It seems that the more he has sex, the more he expects, and the more he wants.

I feel as though I can only do sooo much.

This "Sex Talk" that my husband, and I have had time, and time again has always taken place because sex is something that we disagree on, we argue about, and it's a thorn in our big fat toe called marriage.

Actually, lack of sex in my husband's opinion is what causes the majority of the tension between us. While he says that he is happy, don't ask him if he's happy after a sexless night - he might bite, or rather explode. (This picture would be more appropriate if it read "Beware, Horny Monster.")

He is the most intolerable, cranky, awful person to be around if he hasn't had sex.

Like a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Love, and Mr. OneEyedMonster.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever both be "Happy" in the sex department of our relationship.

The other day, I asked.

I asked what exactly it would take for him to be happy.

Do you know what he said?

"I would be happy if I had sex once in the.....morning, and once at....night.....every day."

Well, what am I supposed to do, lock the kids in their rooms, turn up the radio, and say "yes" to a morning romp?

Am I supposed to sleep all day, while the children trample over my head , toys fly, things break, and poop happens so that I can be awake enough at the end of the day in order to want to have sex?

5 times, 7 times if it's a good week - that's what I feel is realistic.

My husband however, it's like he's on another planet. A planet called Wannabeasinglemanagain.

It hurts my feelings, makes me feel awful inside that I cannot ever satisfy him. That nothing is ever good enough, I'm not good enough.

I told him exactly how it made me feel. Tried to put him in my shoes, asked him how he would feel if I never thought he was good enough, and I reminded him of it each and every day.

He felt badly.

I hope that this sexual imbalance is more caused by our stage in life (3 kids, under 4 years-old, 2 in diapers, 1 still crawling, often waking Mom up in the night) , and not by who we are as individuals. I hope we will outgrow this.

Our Sex Talk went rather well. But, I know it's something that just like how we should give our teens a refresher Sex Talk every now, and again, that we will be revisiting this subject often.

It's the only way that I know of that can allow us to continue to understand each other's needs, feelings, and expectations.

For now, hubbie better learn to love himself a little more, ehhhum. At least until our kids are in school. Otherwise, I'm not sure that our family can tolerate the grumpiness.

Please tell me there's hope for 2 people who love each other to be happy even if their panties are on just a little differently. No my husband does not wear panties. How ever could you presume as much!....neither do I, teeheee. (Too much info, I know.)

That picture, too much info as well - cracks me up, every time!


Mama of Romance

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Catherine said...

I would be surprised to meet a couple that agreed on a number or a ballpark even. I would say their is hope for a couple with such differing opinions but it takes some understanding.

Alison Jerabek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Like everyone else I think there is never full agreement on the number of times that is magic. But trying to reach a happy medium is what works for my husband and I.

Dee said...

want my 2 cents? I think your husband should be happy with 5!! We work on a happy medium...and my hubby seems fine with it! GOOD LUCK!

Kelly said...

5-7 times a week?!? holy crap i would be exhausted! my husband is lucky if he gets it that many times a MONTH! LOL!

LauraVictor11 said...

Im with you Kelly! :)

Kristy said...

I think your post was well said! It's always hard as a couple to agree on how many times we think it's appropriate to have sex. My husband would be happy with 5 times a day I'm sure. LOL! Anyhoo...I totally hear ya!

MilesPerHour said...

As a guy I'm always at the ready. But you know what, I like romance, quiet time together, sensuality. Sure, a quickie ain't bad now and then to keep it spicy but I prefer taking my time with my s/o.

I know that the best sex happens when I lead up to it romantically all day. A little note to flirt. A racy voicemail. Etc.

Gonna keep this short but I also find that once I get my s/o off I am completely satisfied. I always put her needs first, in and out of the bed. And although it is not my intention of putting her first, that means more sex for me. And she enjoys it all the more too.

azusmom said...

I'm sorry, but getting cranky 'cause you're not getting more than 5-7 times per week, with 3 VERY YOUNG KIDS, is just wrong. I don't know you guys, and I don't know your husband, but I think that if he had even an inkling of how hard you work, he probably wouldn't pressure you (I hope!).

There is no magic number. There is only loving compromise.

The best way to work it out? You go away for a couple of days and let him handle the kids. Then he might start to understand. (At least, that worked for me, lol!)

A New England Life said...

5-7 times a week? My husband can only dream . . .

I think if you took a poll you would find your husband is a very lucky man ; )

MPH, there's nothing better than a man who puts his s/o first. Mine certainly does!

Gayle said...

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you guys are in your 20's because I remember having this conversation about a decade ago and that's the same answer I got. I had four little ones at the time and was exhausted just thinking about it.

It changes....REALLY! He slows down and you speed up. And then all of the sudden you start to understand the frustration of wanting it all the time and being greeted by half interest. It's one of those cosmic jokes-on-you moments.

Loving your blog. It's a total crack up and you are a very entertaining writer.

Rhonda said...

5 times a week???? Seriously? 5 friggin' times a week and he's not okay with that? He's not over the moon? He's not going around braggin it up to his pals who are only getting it once or twice a week? What's wrong with him? No really. I'm curious....

Personally, I feel that I've got enough people poking at me to do this and that, and at the end of the day, he's just another one who wants to poke me. Gawd.