Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I Just Gave Birth & You Want To WHAT!?

One thing that astounds me, is that immediately after I've had each of my 3 babies...the doctor has said "Alright, so what are you going to do for birth control?"

Like after I just went through the most excruciating pain in my life, am I thinking about hopping in the sack with Mr. Romeo sitting over there, who looks exhausted - when he didn't even do anything!
Can you say, "P-A-I-N!" I don't know about you, but I've had to wait a good 8 weeks to even want to explore the thought of having sex again.

Not to mention, who would want to be pregnant simultaneously like that?

Maybe some, but that's not for me. I like to allow my body to recover, and to take the time to embrace my new role as Mommy with my new little one.

Do you know what takes the cake though, and is worse than the doctor posing this most unwanted question?! I know it's just a preventative, by-the-books thing to do, but it's like whispering "candy" to a kid.

What takes the cake is my husband, asking "Are we going to be able to have sex any day soon?" on the night that we arrive home from the hospital. I know his ears perked up when he had heard the doctor earlier.

Well, gee? Let me think about it - "No."

It's times like these that I don't even bother to get mad. I find peace as I close my eyes, and think back to what my mother used to always say...

"MeN are just LiTtLe BOYS in biGgEr bodies."

So true. Yes, when it comes to being rational, patient, understanding, empathetic, and self-controlled individuals, my mom was RIGHT.

"No Honey, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to wait. Please don't bug me again for like - 2 months at least." I would say.

"2 MORE months!?" He would implore.

Like he's that bad-off because we didn't have a whole lot of sex near the end of my pregnancy (couldn't because it became very painful.)

"Yes Dear. 2 months at least. And, you know? I will tell you when I'm ready." I responded.

"I'm going to die a virgin." He would say.

I roll my eyes, and ignore the comment.

Well, do you know I'll admit, we did have a "saving grace." I would recommend one to ANY woman expecting, or for those who aren't always answering their partners sexual needs on a regular basis.

It's called a fake VAGINA. There. I said it - vagina.

Sound gross? Well, I tell you that after having 1 baby, and listening to grumbling, and whining from a horny husband, I learnt my lesson.

After baby #1 I went to an Adult store, and bought one myself, wrapped it up, and gave it to Mr. Grumpy Pants so that he would leave me alone.

They are rather inexpensive, and some are not as freakish looking as others. The girl in the store was courteous to me, as she saw me with my HUGE belly, I'm sure she understood why I was there buying this little toy.

Now, we're pros. If I'm not in the mood, or too tired, or whatever - I just say..

"Oh, well why don't you just take care of that. I'm here, I love you, I'm just don't want to have sex right now."

Saves a whole lot of pouting, whining, fighting, and all that other bad stuff that's not good for your relationship.

Please share your thoughts, and experiences by commenting below!

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Christina M. said...

What a fabulous idea! *The fake vay jay that is*

I love it!!

Oh yea, I agree with the body recovering thing. I had my first almost 3 years ago and then another 4 months ago. My body STILL wasn't finished getting back to it's normalcy.

The Mom said...

Thanks Christina, and *yes it is, appreciate your input! ;)

Lori said...

New to your blog and I must say it's hilarious! The way you put things into words just cracks me up.

We're practically rabbits so body didn't heal like it probably should have;)

A Cowboy's Wife

The Mom said...

Well Thank you Lori for checking out my blog, and for your comment! Giddie-up Cowgirl! LOL ;)

Used*to*be*me said...

I almost bought one for my husband a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure how he'd receive it so we discussed it first, I showed him one in a book and he asked if I wanted to watch him use it.

I was all, um, no. I want you to use it so you leave me alone for 20 minutes.

The Mom said...

Well thank you for your input. It can be a help in your relationship - unless mabe he's going to bug you about it now instead of bugging just you! lol