"D" for Directions Or Divorce

A few days ago, we had planned to all go out as a family, and take our children to see Thomas the Train. It had been planned for a month, and we were all very excited.

My husband had asked me to get directions the day before, but I had just run out of time since I was also busy getting ready for Thanksgiving.

The day for Thomas came, and it was up to me to get everyone packed up, and ready to go. I had arranged with my husband that we were to leave by 11 am at the latest.

He walses through the door at 11:30 am, and wasn't ready yet. Because I had no help, I wasn't either. I manage to call the location of the show for some directions just as we were about to leave.

I should have known when the lady that answered the phone didn't know her exact location, or how to get there from where we would be coming from that the directions she gave were questionable. All she could give me was a street address, and the way to come via a different route.

Finally we leave, in just enough time.

After driving nearly an hour, we have to start using our directions. I tell my husband to get on to the highway, and he says, "which way?"

Neither of us have a clue.

He freaks out. I try to calm him down, but he cannot see past his anger, and frustration.

We have a navigation system in our car. So, I say, "pull over, and we'll enter in the street address."

He pulls over reluctantly. Only, it doesn't recognize the street name, and now we're getting late for the show that cost our family over $120 dollars. Hubbie is not impressed.

We pull off again, a few moments later of driving around aimlessly, and put in another street name that's on the directions. It takes it, only it's a different street, in a different city, and the navigation system has us headed out of town on a highway with no exits.

Now my husband sounds like he is about to kill me, I'm crying so hard that I can hardly see, and the kids are all worked up, worried about Mommy, and not understanding why Daddy is so mad. (If you are wondering, this picture is for illustration purposes only, to demonstrate the mean look on my husband's face, and not his utters.)

Several times, I had asked nicely that he stop yelling, and stop being so furious, but he wouldn't listen.

It was terrible.

He finally made an illegal u-turn, which was extremely dangerous, and we headed back to where we were.

We got to the the show 45 minutes late, right at intermission, and by that time, because of my husband's yelling, and screaming, and my crying, I don't think anyone was really in the mood to enjoy the show.

On the way home, I couldn't speak to him. I was so hurt, humiliated, and upset that he would yell at me like that, especially in front of our kids.

I got directions, and laughing about it now, I think - he never asked me to get GOOD directions!

It was a terrible, unfortunate situation. But one, that none of us should have been blamed solely for, and one that we should have tried to get through as a family.

When we got home, my husband said to me, "I know we need to talk, so come on and lay on the couch with me, and will talk about it."

I said, "I have things to do right now." I did, I had 3 tired, upset kids to put down for a nap, and to unpack everything that we had brought, and okay - I admit, I was avoiding him.

Then he says, "Well, if you really care about our marriage, you'll come and talk. And, if you don't, then you don't care, and maybe you would be happier if we weren't together, and you found someone that made you more happy."

He didn't use the "D" word - DIVORCE, but he might as well have. I hate that.

I mustered "Honey, I don't want to talk to you right now." If he thought it was because I wanted a divorce, well that was his own fault for mentioning it. But, I wasn't ready to talk yet, I was still very hurt.

Afterwards, when the kids were in bed, my husband and I talked. I explained how, and what about the day hurt me so terribly, but he was still being defensive.

It's hard to come to a truce when one person won't let down their guard.

In bed later on that evening, we finally achieved some closure, and it didn't have anything to do with sex.

He layed there beside me, finally dropping his male "I'm always right" shield, and apologized like he meant it. No longer throwing the empty "I'm sorry" words into the air without purpose. He explained why he was sorry, and attempted to empathize - which is what is important in an apology.

He finally admitted that he was out of place losing his cool like that, and that in doing so he only made the situation worse, not to mention completely disrespecting his wife in front of his children, and subjecting them to unnecessary anger. He sounded as though he was ashamed of himself.

At this point, I said "by the way, there is no chance in this world that we will have sex tonight."

There was no way that I could show my love for a man, who had hurt me so badly, and for so long without remorse.

To my surprise, he was absolutely okay with not having sex, in fact, he was worried that we might not ever have sex again.

I explained that I would never have sex with someone who could so completely disrespect, hurt, and treat me the way that he did, who was so mean.

I also explained how earlier, when he told me to come, and talk, and if I didn't that meant that I didn't care about our marriage, that he was being completely unfair.

It was a bleak day in our marriage, a low point for not only our marriage, but for my husbands character as being the great husband that I know, and love.

But, I know that if it weren't for the lows, then I wouldn't appreciated the highs as much, nor would the love that I feel for him be so grand.

He isn't perfect, and for that I am thankful, because neither am I.

I'm not sure if he knew, but I was also very upset that day, because it was the same day 5 years ago that I lost my mom to cancer.

She was heavily in my thoughts as I struggled through the day, and afterwards when I remembered what she would have said:

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."

Sincerely,

Mama of Romance
xoxo

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Marriage Or Mental Health Dept?

Deep inside, I feel guilty for complaining about my husband - because, I have one.


I know exactly what life can be like as a single Mom, I was raised by one. I knew that it meant that as the child, I had a different kind of relationship with my mom.


It meant that I had more responsibilities, I was expected to be more mature, and that I was part of a team - the team was her, and I.


For her, it meant that all the weight, and all the stress was on her shoulders all of the time, without ceasing.


I know that I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband who cares so much for myself, and for our children, but I think that any woman, any human can only go so long under stress.


For me, just this past week, the last straw was just as everyone in the household got sick, I was at my end.


This was the first time in our entire marriage that I ever yelled at my husband so loud. I am ashamed of it now, but some how, I think it helped him to realize that I simply could not handle the way things were going any more.


Our family sees little of my husband. He leaves often before we get up, and is home seldom for dinner. If he does eat dinner with us, he is gone again until just a few minutes before the kids go to bed. So they see their father maybe 5 minutes a day.


This has been going on for weeks, and weeks. Maybe a month or two. I don't know exactly, all that I know is that I feel just like a single Mom, and I know that I didn't sign up for this. It's felt like an eternity.


When we decided to have a child, 2 children, and then a third - we talked about sharing in on the responsibility.


Because they are 4, 2, and 11 months, and all very busy boys, by the end of the day some days I am ready to just quit - or lose it. As sad as that may sound.

I love my husband, and love my children more than life, more than anything, but I have felt all alone in raising them, and completely overwhelmed.


I can handle a lot. But after not having support for so long in any way, I can understand why some women lose it. So when I yelled at my husband, that was me saying "I'm going to lose it, if things don't change."


You have to understand, that he is self-employed most of the time. So, the hours that he sets - well he sets them. I am well aware that we need money, doesn't everyone. But, I am willing to settle for a whole lot less of it, if it meant that I could have just an hour more with him a day.


My breaking point was when we went to help his Grandmother at her house. The family was there.

She is getting older, and there are certain things that she can't do any more. So, we were all pitching in.


We were about to leave, and everyone was standing around saying Goodbye.


My father-in-law asked why on earth I didn't want to bring the kids out with them to have a bonfire, and camp out.


After hours, and hours of being outside working, my children were falling down tired, and so was I. He hadn't a clue.


My mother-in-law asked "What is she going to do instead?"


My husband responded "I don't know what she does all day."


It wasn't so much what he said, as how he rolled his eyes, and mockingly said it as if he didn't know what I did - like I did absolutely nothing.


I don't think I have ever in our entire marriage even felt so disrespected, and humiliated in front of family members.


His mom ever proceeded to say "Whack." As she imitated smacking him across the head, insinuating that he was out of line.


I left. I was crushed.


Receiving nothing but grief at every turn of myself trying to express how I need my husband, like I was being smacked in the face at each and every turn, I could not believe that he would do such a thing in the presence of others.


I bawled all the way home, my 4 year-old asking "What's wrong Mommy?"


And, what was I supposed to say, as I desperately didn't want to involve my children.


I managed a "Mommy just needs to cry, so that she can feel better."


When my husband got home later on, he wondered why I was upset. He was almost mad at me for not being in a good mood.

I suppose he is upset because he knows that if I'm not happy, we don't always have sex.


I couldn't believe it. He doesn't understand at all. I lost it.


I screamed words at him that explained exactly how I felt. I cannot believe how I sounded, I am truly ashamed - like a crazy person.


He left, not being able to handle the yelling.

When he returned, I had come to a decision. I absolutely had to leave, with the kids.


No kidding, I was done. I needed to go away for a while, and not be any where near him. I couldn't take one more day with his selfish, unsympathetic, oblivious, and almost cruel attitude, and without support.


I explained to him that I planned to go away for 4 days to see his sister, and take a break.


He asked why.


I explained that there was no point in me being here, because not only was he not - but when he was he was mean to me as well.


I was expected to be the quiet little obedient housewife that catered to my husband, and to his needs, while ignoring my own. I felt in a timewarp.


What a low, extremely low point to have reached in our marriage.


I was adamant, and I walked away. He knew that I was serious, and I think for the first time, he realized that everything that I had been trying to say for so long wasn't a joke. I was truly hurt, and truly felt all alone.


When I told him that every time I reached out to him to tell him that I needed him, and that he was mean to me in return, it was just like a slap in the face. I think he for the first time felt sorry.

I can put myself in his shoes. I know that he must feel an incredible weight on his shoulders to provide for his family, to keep everyone that he deals with happy - there probably isn't much left of him to give at the end of the day either.


After this fight, it was the first time that he came to me, and asked me what I needed.

I told him this:


"I need you home for dinner, even if we eat dinner later on in the evening - say 7pm. I need you to stay home after that to help with the boys, to play with them, bath them, and help put them to bed at 8pm. After that, you can do whatever you like. But I need you for that hour. That is what would make me happy."


I have also started helping him with his work while I can.

Now, he gets it. He's been home every night for dinner since, and has been around to help out.


I haven't felt better is so long.

Single Moms, I do not know how you do it!? I admire you, and I admire my own mom.

All that I can say is - I am human. I am grateful that we were able to finally understand each other, and that I have every reason in this world to make our marriage work because I am certain that we need each other.

Marriage isn't perfect. I can remember back to the time when we got married, and went through premarrital counselling - the most important thing we were told was to know each others expectancies of one another.

That's excatly what we have finally established - our expectations.



Sincerely,

Mama of Romance
xoxo

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Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid

Ever get into a slightly heated conversation, and wish you hadn't said what you were thinking?

I'm certain that after last night, my husband is wishing that he had of kept his thoughts to himself. And, maybe I do too.

We were sitting at the dinner table, eating a late dinner, because my hubbie was late again getting home.

His job is very demanding right now, and now is the busiest time of the year for him. So for the past few months I have felt like a single parent, except almost worse because I've had to do things for my husband as well as picking up whatever slack he can't handle.

My kids miss their father, and I miss having to share the responsibility of raising 3 little children with someone other than my worn out self.

I made a beautiful supper. Homemade lasagna. Even blueberry pie.

The house was clean, and I was pooped after having worked my butt off all day.

He was telling me about his day, and how things would soon slow down.

As he said that my eyes lit up, an enormous smile spread across my face, and I looked up at him as he continued to eat his dinner. I might as well have been a little puppy excitedly wagging my tail in anticipation of a bone.

I thought to myself "haha....now it's going to be his turn to look after the kids more."

Thinking nothing of it, I proceeded to say "Honey, that's great, because you owe me big time, and you can start helping out more with the kids."

I didn't mean that I wasn't grateful for all the hard work that he's been doing, or that I wasn't ecstatic that all the bills are finally getting paid. I just meant that perhaps he could carry some of the weight when it comes to looking after the kids like he would normally be doing anyway, so that I could finally have a break!

Well, it happened immediately.

He rolled his eyes, and huffed - "yah - I owe YOU."

The bulls of fury have been released, as I'm ready to reach over the table, and grab him by the shirt collar, and scream "YES!!! You do owe me. I've looked after the kids day, and night, and day and night with absolutely NO help for weeks upon weeks!! When was the last time YOU changed a poopy diaper!? Huh? Or, cleaned up puke. Or picked up toys. Or read a story even!? Are you out of your mind!? You need to be their FATHER again!!"

I calmly sit. My eyes starting to give that womanly look - you know the one, when you just know that the woman is extremely mad, so mad that you're scared because you just aren't sure what you can expect she might do next.

I figure, maybe he's misunderstood, I will clarify my words for him....

Ehhhum, "Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you owe me anything, I just meant that it would be nice to have you helping with the kids a little more again, you know, so I can have a bit of a break."

That sounded better.

He still looks annoyed, sitting their without speaking. He is mad at me, I know it. I'm starting to get annoyed. He obviously doesn't get it.

What right does he have to roll his eyes at me anyway? And, that tone, I don't deserve that! I just slaved away all day, for weeks to make everything nice for our family, you'd think he could at least have the decency to speak nicely to me. I'm the mother of his children, the one who keeps everything in order, who makes sure that everything goes as it should. I haven't been mean to him at all. In fact I was in the best of moods until I had to hear him speak!

"What is wrong? Why are you so grumpy?" I said.

And then it was over. The candidacy was finished.

"Well, you're just such a snob." He said.

WHAT!? I'm a SNOB!?

Okay, that's news to me. That hurt. He has gone completely bonkers. I'm now at my end - with him.

I sat in silence for the rest of dinner, other than to talk nicely to my kids, clean things up, bath them, and put them to bed. AGAIN, all by myself.

He went back to work, more.

As we got into bed later that evening. He acted like NOTHING was wrong.

And, again, the same old, same old question arose "can we have sex tonight?"

I looked at him like he was out of his mind, like he was the most daft person on the planet, and said - "No."

I continued typing on my laptop.

"Why not?" He asked.

I contemplated not blogging about this next part, but hey, what the heck.

"No." I repeat.

"Alright, fine then. I'll give you 1000 dollars if you give me a blow-job." He mockingly said.

I cannot believe that he would treat me like a prostitute. Talk about rubbing in the fact that we actually have a little money right now, because I never see him, and he's working so hard. Oh, the nerve.

"No." I repeat. I wonder how many times I have to say the word "no," until he gets it?

"Ah, come on, please." He says, now looking like a little puppy with those big puppy eyes.

Was he not home for dinner? Did he miss something. I do not have the patience to deal with this. And, against my normally better judgement I spoke the words of the age-old woman which I vowed never to use.

"If you don't know, I am NOT going to tell you. Goodnight."

This morning to my glee, he treated me like a Queen. He better. I didn't decide to have 3 kids all by myself, nor did I decide to have to help him out so much without at least being treated with the respect that we both deserve.

Somethings, are ABSOLUTELY better left unsaid. He knows that now, so do I. And, rolling your eyes at someone is not a good plan of action- because that in itself speaks a thousand words, not nice ones. I think he's learned his lesson.

Who am I kidding? Dare I say - he's a man.

Sincerely,

Mama of Romance
xoxo

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