Tuesday, October 14, 2008

"D" for Directions Or Divorce

A few days ago, we had planned to all go out as a family, and take our children to see Thomas the Train. It had been planned for a month, and we were all very excited.

My husband had asked me to get directions the day before, but I had just run out of time since I was also busy getting ready for Thanksgiving.

The day for Thomas came, and it was up to me to get everyone packed up, and ready to go. I had arranged with my husband that we were to leave by 11 am at the latest.

He walses through the door at 11:30 am, and wasn't ready yet. Because I had no help, I wasn't either. I manage to call the location of the show for some directions just as we were about to leave.

I should have known when the lady that answered the phone didn't know her exact location, or how to get there from where we would be coming from that the directions she gave were questionable. All she could give me was a street address, and the way to come via a different route.

Finally we leave, in just enough time.

After driving nearly an hour, we have to start using our directions. I tell my husband to get on to the highway, and he says, "which way?"

Neither of us have a clue.

He freaks out. I try to calm him down, but he cannot see past his anger, and frustration.

We have a navigation system in our car. So, I say, "pull over, and we'll enter in the street address."

He pulls over reluctantly. Only, it doesn't recognize the street name, and now we're getting late for the show that cost our family over $120 dollars. Hubbie is not impressed.

We pull off again, a few moments later of driving around aimlessly, and put in another street name that's on the directions. It takes it, only it's a different street, in a different city, and the navigation system has us headed out of town on a highway with no exits.

Now my husband sounds like he is about to kill me, I'm crying so hard that I can hardly see, and the kids are all worked up, worried about Mommy, and not understanding why Daddy is so mad. (If you are wondering, this picture is for illustration purposes only, to demonstrate the mean look on my husband's face, and not his utters.)

Several times, I had asked nicely that he stop yelling, and stop being so furious, but he wouldn't listen.

It was terrible.

He finally made an illegal u-turn, which was extremely dangerous, and we headed back to where we were.

We got to the the show 45 minutes late, right at intermission, and by that time, because of my husband's yelling, and screaming, and my crying, I don't think anyone was really in the mood to enjoy the show.

On the way home, I couldn't speak to him. I was so hurt, humiliated, and upset that he would yell at me like that, especially in front of our kids.

I got directions, and laughing about it now, I think - he never asked me to get GOOD directions!

It was a terrible, unfortunate situation. But one, that none of us should have been blamed solely for, and one that we should have tried to get through as a family.

When we got home, my husband said to me, "I know we need to talk, so come on and lay on the couch with me, and will talk about it."

I said, "I have things to do right now." I did, I had 3 tired, upset kids to put down for a nap, and to unpack everything that we had brought, and okay - I admit, I was avoiding him.

Then he says, "Well, if you really care about our marriage, you'll come and talk. And, if you don't, then you don't care, and maybe you would be happier if we weren't together, and you found someone that made you more happy."

He didn't use the "D" word - DIVORCE, but he might as well have. I hate that.

I mustered "Honey, I don't want to talk to you right now." If he thought it was because I wanted a divorce, well that was his own fault for mentioning it. But, I wasn't ready to talk yet, I was still very hurt.

Afterwards, when the kids were in bed, my husband and I talked. I explained how, and what about the day hurt me so terribly, but he was still being defensive.

It's hard to come to a truce when one person won't let down their guard.

In bed later on that evening, we finally achieved some closure, and it didn't have anything to do with sex.

He layed there beside me, finally dropping his male "I'm always right" shield, and apologized like he meant it. No longer throwing the empty "I'm sorry" words into the air without purpose. He explained why he was sorry, and attempted to empathize - which is what is important in an apology.

He finally admitted that he was out of place losing his cool like that, and that in doing so he only made the situation worse, not to mention completely disrespecting his wife in front of his children, and subjecting them to unnecessary anger. He sounded as though he was ashamed of himself.

At this point, I said "by the way, there is no chance in this world that we will have sex tonight."

There was no way that I could show my love for a man, who had hurt me so badly, and for so long without remorse.

To my surprise, he was absolutely okay with not having sex, in fact, he was worried that we might not ever have sex again.

I explained that I would never have sex with someone who could so completely disrespect, hurt, and treat me the way that he did, who was so mean.

I also explained how earlier, when he told me to come, and talk, and if I didn't that meant that I didn't care about our marriage, that he was being completely unfair.

It was a bleak day in our marriage, a low point for not only our marriage, but for my husbands character as being the great husband that I know, and love.

But, I know that if it weren't for the lows, then I wouldn't appreciated the highs as much, nor would the love that I feel for him be so grand.

He isn't perfect, and for that I am thankful, because neither am I.

I'm not sure if he knew, but I was also very upset that day, because it was the same day 5 years ago that I lost my mom to cancer.

She was heavily in my thoughts as I struggled through the day, and afterwards when I remembered what she would have said:

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."


Mama of Romance

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Anonymous said...

Wow. This REALLY hit home for me. My husband totally flips and yells at me in front of our step-son. He does it frequently, in fact, and when it's all over, he doesn't understand why I'm still upset. It honestly seems beyond his capability of understanding that I can't just "let it go" after he's hurt me, humiliated me, and made me cry. After all, he gets over it pretty quickly.

He says that's what couples do--take their stress out on each other. I so totally disagree. Couples support each other through the stress; they do NOT take it out on each other. No matter how mean and nasty he gets though, I CANNOT bring myself to react in kind. I'm not the yelling, humiliating, belittling type. It makes me feel worse than I already feel.

Some days I wonder if he'll EVER understand. Many days I fear that he won't.

H.E.Eigler said...

We've been through a very similar situation and I am so thankful that my kiddo doesn't really understand us yet...still, I hated that we yelled at each other in front of her and I know that she can feel the 'bad vibes'. It's been a few weeks now and I'm still hurt but slowly getting over it. These things really break a relationship and men just don't get how it weakens trust. ((((HUGS))))

Dee said...

First off, I'm so sorry about your mom! My heart goes out to you!
Second, I can totally relate..my husband has the WORSE temper EVER....and has broken a few things in our house (right now I have a dent in my ceiling b/c he punched it when he was putting up a new light and SOMETHING wasnt going right)! AND even though i KNOW he would never hurt me or our son..it still hurts!

Petra said...

You are not alone. My husband loses his cool with me sometimes too, and it really hurts me. He always apologizes and makes it right, but it is not fun!

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this anniversary of your mom's passing. SMOOCHES!

Lisa said...

My mom and dad used to hide the arguing from my brothers and I when we were younger. When we would catch them arguing I would flip out cuz I never saw it. Hubby and I argue in front of the kids, but they also see us makeup and move on. They know that no matter what mom and dad love each other. It also shows them how to make up and forgive and move on.

Im sorry you had such a rough day when all you wanted was a good night out with the family.

jaime said...

i am SO happy i stumbled upon your blog (mombloggersclub) and i even see i follow some of the same blogs as you! I can relate to this story alot, i always tell my husband "I am not a light switch! i can't just simply turn off my emotions (after a fight)." If he hurts me during an argument it takes a while to calm down and i truly think men just don't get that. I could go on for days about this topic- lol! I will definetly be back to check out your blog some more...