Actually, I think there's got to be a little jealousy, and anger mixed into this unwanted brew as well.
As much as I try to force it out of my head, or heart, or wherever it resides, I find it creeps back in, only to upset me more.
I'll be honest, there are days where I wish that I had balls.
In fact, if I had balls, I think I'd be so proud of them, that I'd knit myself my very own ball warmers.
If I had balls, then things would be so different.
I would wake up, meander out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, and leave for work.
I'd work all day, and then return home to a home cooked meal, and some cute kids that miss me tremendously.
Then, I would sit in the bathroom, and read the paper for as long as I feel like it, and slowly make my way to the dinner table.
After gorging myself, and chatting for a few minutes, I would proceed to do whatever I feel like doing - that is unless my dear wife decides to nag at me to do something else. Man don't you hate that!? What does she want anyway?
Essentially, though I would get to come, and go as I please. Life, on my own terms.
If anyone complains about my existence, I can argue that I'm the bread winner of the family, and I have so much work to do, that can't wait, and after a long day I should be granted the right to do as I please.
Well HELLO Mr. Balls so big and mighty, welcome to PARENTHOOD.
Why not stay for a while, and allow me to welcome you to my world.
I am sorry, but there are times - far and few inbetween, but they exist nonetheless, where I feel like I would just love to be in my husbands shoes for a day - an hour even.
To have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, and not feel guilty. To be able to pick up, and go without having to worry about the kids. To be able to stay, and hang out as their buddy ol' pal.
How uncanny it must be to have to put in the effort to discipine them, or tend to them without having to be asked to do it.
Since we have gotten home, my husband is working double time. He's stressed, I'm stressed. I miss him, and more importantly, the kids miss him too. He feels super pressured to do as much as he possibly can, because he missed so much work while we were away.
But, for me that means long days with the kids, no help, no support, no adult conversation, and literally just passing each other by in the hall.
I have to BEG to get him to do anything, and he's been nothing but gruff because he is feeling so stressed.
It's things like jealousy, anger, and resentment that can widdle away at your relationship, and I know that. But, how can you just make these feelings go away?
Deep down, I have a fear that if I allow my husband to do what he wants, when he wants, that he will continue to always do so. He will continue to put work first on his list, and family last.
So, I guess there's fear in this ugly mix as well.
Where does this leave us when it comes to our sex life? Well, no where.
How can you possibly feel like making love with the person that you hardly see, speak to, and of which you feel these terrible feelings about?
Must be nice to have balls, and be able to engage in sex whenever you feel like it - without the concern of "feelings." You know, I am insanely amazed at how my husband can want to have sex in the worst of situations.
For example, one time we were hiking in the desert, and he was oh so brilliant, and decided to take off his shoes. He backed onto a cactus, screaming with pain.
Do you know what the first thing was that was on his mind as I tried to pull out the thorns? - SEX!
But of course. If men gave birth, I'm certain that after labouring for a few hours, okay make that minutes, they would want to have sex to reduce the pain.
I need for my husband to take the initiative to put his family first, to participate in family. Not only would it help to reduce my stress, all these yucky feelings that I have inside, but consequently more SEX would follow.
I know that what I'm feeling is just another bump in the road. But, Honey, like my 4 year-old says "If you want any Lovin' - do it."