Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Like A Dog In His Own House

How many words does it take to make your sex drive flatten out to absolutely zilch?

The night before last it took exactly 7.

When after a long day of changing stinky diapers, looking after my kids who were extra fussy, and cleaning up puppy poo, after puppy poo. (What was I thinking when we got not 2, not 3, but 4 dogs?! I must be mad.)

Anyhow, exhausted I lay in bed, still a little sick, and having just fallen asleep.

My husband leaps into bed, strips the covers off me, it's freezing cold, and starts frantically tugging at my pajamas.

Are they on fire? What?

I am awake (now), as the bright bedroom lights are blinding me, and the cold air hits me like a ton of bricks. Slightly irritated, and very awake, I manage to keep my pajamas on, trying not to freeze to death.

The unnecessarily fast, and eager tugging at me wasn't so bad.

What was bad, was when he muttered in a joking fashion the following while wrapping his arms around me, and starting to dry - well, hump my legs from behind as I lay on my side:

"I'm doing it like our dog does." He says.

I'm now being shook frantically in our bed.

Still being shook. What is the plan here anyway?

He was making reference to how our little male dog humps our two female ones. Wow.

What a great come-on.

Come on!??? Do I not deserve just a little romance. Forget romance for a minute I would take plain old politeness.

As the image of our gross little, filthy dog who poops every where is flashing in my mind (I like the dog, but he can be super gross), I quickly get out of bed, and dash for the only place that I can have some privacy - the bathroom.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and okay, forget about privacy, my husband is now sitting on a towel on our bathroom floor not 2 feet beside me as I pee.

He must be frozen I think.

I get it, he's playing the eager puppy card.

Not only have I awoken to a terrible dream where my husband has morphed into a dirty, horny dog, but now he is stalking me around the house, and there is no escape!

My head bowed, hair all a mess in my hands. I lift my head to look at him, and say "Honey, can I please just have a little privacy?"

So he left the room, and I started shaking my head.

He runs back into the bathroom.

"I saw you shaking your head. What's that all about? Are you mad at me or something?" He asks.

I'm now beginning to wonder if my husband has all of a sudden shrunk in age or something. I feel like I'm in a relationship tonight with a nervous, excited teenager who is as smooth as crunchy peanut butter.

"Honey, I just need a minute. Please go back to bed, I'll be up in a minute." I say.

He leaves.

I try to shake off the "I'm so not in the mood, at all, ever, in this century" feeling I am having, as I continue to shake my head.

I meander towards the bedroom, stopping at the stairs, looking up into the darkness.

I say to myself "Okay, I know he wasn't the most romantic man tonight. What am I saying, he was plain immature, yucky, ew, oh man that was the suckiest seduction I've ever experienced. Alright, forget that. Yes, forget the dog thing. No more dog. He's him, my wonderful, handsome, sweet, loving husband. I love him. I'm married to him - I've married a pervert, oh no - I mean, a great man. Okay, I'm going to just go up there, and we'll start over. I can do this. I love him."

I walk upstairs, into our room.

"Honey, don't ever try to seduce me like that again, please. And, when someone says they need some privacy, could you please just allow them the same treatment that you would expect? Thanks."

I got into bed, and he apologized.

I could tell that he felt terrible for being, what he called - "such an idiot."

Those are his words, and mine, I mean - just his, haha.

He morphed back into my husband, and it was all uphill from there.



Mama of Romance

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Diva Ma said...

I have so had that moment. very similar. Excep I don't think it ended in a good nite..... for hime anyway!

Petra said...

Haha, I really think guys think we are going to find this stuff as hilarious as they do, but we don't. At least he realized he was being a boner head and got his act together!

On The Verge said...

I can so relate. I have had many similar experiences with hubby being a buzz kill. They are just men. They just don't get it.

The Nice One said...

I almost feel bad for him.
My husband has done something kind of wacky like that before, and when it sketches me out, he feels so guilty. They are all 12 year old boys on the inside, I swear.

Kelly said...

omg this is quite possibly the funniest thing i have ever read! it makes you wonder what they are thinking! LOL!

Straight to Your Hart said...

Sorry is such a good word to say!! Good for him and you.

Anonymous said...

It's nice to know that I am not the only one married to a wonderful sweet loving pervert. Your husband and mine must be long lost brothers. :)

Mindy Loo said...

It made me laugh, with relief, to know my husband isn't the only one who wakes me up after I'm dead tired and dead to the world (i'm a dance major in college, who works 3 jobs, and pretty much dances close to 8 hours a day -- really), and wants to jump my bones while i'm in that coma.

Funny about the dog thing, but at least he was sensitive enough to apologize lol

Kudos. Love your blog!

Ann said...

I swear, it's like all the blood has rushed away from their brains! All of it!
I hate those thoughts of 'Why did I marry this man?' and 'Has he always been like this and I just didn't notice?'
I'm so sorry about this night.

That Austin Girl said...

Haha - this story made me laugh! You are so patient not to have stopped the whole operation at, "it's freezing cold and somebody is REMOVING my pajamas." I would have flipped.